Rumor in the pasture was that the rancher was
getting a new bull.
His three bulls were discussing this pending event.
"I've been here for five years and have earned my
keep. I service 100 cows and won't be giving any up
to some new comer." Boasts bull one.
"Well, sir, I've been here for three years and have 30
cows to keep happy. I'm doing a good job and don't
need any help from outsiders." Says bull two.
Bull three chimes in, "Well, even though I'm the
youngest, you have allowed me my 10 cows and I'm
not gonna give any of that up now!"
About that time, up pulls an 18-wheeler, and off
thunders the biggest, meanest, strongest bull the
three had ever seen.
"Well, maybe 100 cows are too many. I'm getting
along in years and could use some help. He can have
50 of my cows." Says bull one.
"I'm still young and want to fool around a bit. 50 cows
are not worth dying over. He can have 20 of my
cows." Agrees bull two.
Bull three lowers his head, starts snorting and pawing
the earth like a wild demon. Bull two looks at him and
says, "Are you crazy, he'll kill you and take your
"Heck, he can HAVE my cows," replies bull three, "I
just want to make sure he knows that I'M A BULL!|
A visitor to Arizona once asked, "Does it ever rain out here?" A rancher quickly answered "Yes, it does. Do you remember that part in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?" The visitor replied, "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood." "Well," the rancher puffed up, "We got about two and a half inches then."
A man was invited for dinner at Rancher Jim's house out in the country. He was in awe to see that every time Jim spoke to his wife, he started by calling her 'My Love', 'Darling', or 'Sweetheart'. The man looked at Rancher Jim and said, 'That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep calling her those pet names.' To which Jim replied, 'Well, to be honest, I've forgotten her name.'
A young cowpoke and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."
Consider the plight of an indian chief - afflicted with a certain intestinal complaint, and went to the medicine man for help. The medicine man told him to "Take this piece of rawhide. Bite off an inch of the thong and chew it thoroughly every day early in the morning. Swallow it, and come back when it's gone. About two weeks later, the chief returned to the medicine man and indicated his dissatisfaction. That worthy asked, "still upset?" "Yes" said the chief,
"The thong has ended, but the malady lingers on".
The insurance agent was questioning a cowboy who had applied for a policy. "Ever have an accident?" he inquired. "Nope," was the answer. "Not even one?" asked the agent incredulously. "Nope," the cowboy insisted. "Rattler bit me once, though." "And don't you call that an accident?" exclaimed the agent. "Nope; I'm pretty sure the dang thang did it a-purpose."
A young cowboy stumbled out of the saloon only to find the tail of his horse painted yellow. He stomped back into the saloon and said, "Allright, which one of you low-down dirty scoundrels painted my horse's tail yellow?" This huge cowpoke stood up, took a barstool, broke it over his knee and said, "I did, what you got to say about it?" The young cowboy replied, "I thought you might want to know its ready for a second coat."
There were some backwoods cowboys living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence. He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign:
"CLEARANCE 8 FT. 6 IN.
A sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a cowboy went in to try out for the job. "OK," the sheriff said, "what is 1 and 1?" "11" the cowboy replied. "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?" "Today and tomorrow." "Now the last one. Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" The cowboy thought really hard and finally said, "I don't know." "Well, why don't you go home and work on that?" the sheriff suggested. So, the cowboy went home and his wife asked him how it went. The cowboy replied, "Great! He already put me on a murder case!"
A cowboy rides up to a Saloon, goes inside and orders a drink. He's just about got the glass of whiskey to his lips, when a guy comes running up to the door, and yells "Hey Joe! Your house is burnin!" The man leaps up, runs out and jumps on his horse just as he thinks... "Hey, I don't have a house." He goes back in and sits down, and raises the glass to his lips again. Just then a man comes running up to the door and yells "Hey Joe! Your dad has died!" So he leaps up, runs out, gets on his horse and starts to head down the street when he thinks... "Wait a minute, my dad died years ago." He goes back to the bar, and sure enough, he's just about to take a sip of his whiskey when another guys runs up. "Joe! Congratulations! You've won the lottery! There's a pile of money waiting for you down at the post office!" The cowboy gets up, leaps on the horse, and starts flying towards the post office. He almost gets there when he thinks, "Hey, wait a minute. My name ain't Joe..."
A young ventriloquist is touring Texas and stops to entertain in a saloon. He's going through his usual cowpoke jokes, when a big burly cowboy in the audience stands up and says threateningly: "I've heard just about enough of your smart mouth jokes-we ain't all stupid here in Texas!" Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big cowboy interrupts him and says, "You stay out of this mister-I'm talking to the smart mouth little fella on your knee!"
THE COWBOY: The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?" "Sam," the cowboy moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied.... "The balcony."
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